Save Your Achy Breakey Heart

This is a hard post to write; I am still trying to just wrap my head around it.
I had the cardiologist appointment today. 
I went in expecting them to tell me there had been some kind of glitch in their readings.
The doctor asked me why I was there, and I said, “You tell me. No one will tell me anything.”

So he says that the stress test showed I had some damage to the lower part of my heart and that, at some point, I more than likely had a heart attack.
Just a complete shock. 
It even shocked Cowboy.

I had no idea. I never even dreamed it possible. 
Yes, I’ve had some chest pains.
Pains I thought came from maybe bronchitis, the flu, or even digging a cat grave when I’ve mostly been a lazy couch potato.
I mean, wouldn’t it have hurt?
I don’t have that high of a pain tolerance.

So now I am scheduled for a heart catheterization next Thursday to see how bad the damage is and if I have any blocked arteries, and I am absolutely terrified. 
To have had a heart attack at 49 and not even have known it is scary. 
To have what I consider dangerous and invasive surgery is petrifying.

I’ve not been able to go off alone and cry and freak out because Raven and his girlfriend needed to do their laundry.
They came at 1 p.m. and left at 9 p.m. 
The boys are with her mother and have been for a week or two.

Perhaps just not being alone and not obsessing about it is best.
I tend to freak out, have panic attacks, and obsess about things.

Raven and his girlfriend have been here watching TV and napping on my couch all afternoon.
I’ve sat and read a book in between cleaning up the house.

Tomorrow is Cowboy’s appointment, just a follow‑up, and hopefully we’ll have a down day on Wednesday.