Conflicted Hearts: Grief Lives Here Too

By nine o’clock, Raven had the littles up, dressed, and heading out the door.
I slipped in to poke Cowboy awake so he wouldn’t miss saying goodbye.
Their other parent had asked for them back by eleven.

I said I hoped they’d leave early today, I did not mean at the crack of dawn.
I was thinking more like 1 p.m., maybe 2.
They’ve been going back around 3 or 4, which is rough on the cats, who have to be locked up from Friday to Sunday.

Raven’s new job, new shift, starts next week, so it’ll be months before we see the littles again.
That made their leaving so early a little heartbreaking, honestly.

With the other parent supposed to be moving, and it’s farther from where we live, and Raven working Friday to Sunday, we’ve just lost the littles again.

I know it makes me sound like the world’s biggest hypocrite.
The truth is, I never said I didn’t want to visit with the littles, only that I didn’t want to share the house with them from Friday to Sunday.

I had a feeling this might be our goodbye weekend.
That’s why I tried to keep things peaceful and stay out of the way, especially since one of the littles seems uneasy around me.
I’ve never given him a reason to be.
I just wanted Pappaw to have all the time he could with them.

You always hear how hard a divorce is on the couple, but you don’t hear about the effects it has on the grandparents.
If you’re lucky, you’ll stay friendly with the other parent. 
You’ll always be a part of the children’s lives, always included.
If you’re one of the unlucky ones who had a difficult relationship with the other parent during the marriage, the divorce only worsens things.
Sometimes, access to the children becomes unpredictable, granted or withheld depending on the mood or moment.

I won’t pretend I’m devastated.
I’m heartbroken, yes, but there’s relief too.

I’ve lived with the littles for two years.
I rearranged my life, my house, to give them a home.
I’ve put up with tantrums and mess and noise, and no, I didn’t enjoy every single minute of it.

I will enjoy having my house be my house again.
I will enjoy the quiet.

But I do not want to be shut out of their lives.
I’m fine with visits. 
I’m fine with the occasional overnight. 
I want to be part of their lives.
We’re blocked on Facebook. 
We’re blocked from messaging or calling the other parent. 
Raven doesn’t share pictures or updates about what the littles are up to.
When I say we’ve lost the littles, I mean we’ve lost the littles, unless something changes.

I’m not a hypocrite.
I’m not a witch.
I’m honest.
And this is complicated.
And so very messy.

I shed a few tears. 
Took a breath. 
Kept moving.
My relationship with the other parent has always been strained.
I never said I didn’t love the littles, just that living with them was messy in more ways than one.

Cowboy sleepily got off to morning services.
I don’t think he really grasps what Raven moving out actually means.

Badger kept the kitchen up all weekend, and the littles weren’t out of the bedroom much, so there wasn’t a terrible mess.
I got what little there was up.

I admit, I lost my temper and told Badger I was going to get rid of all her cats.
When I went into the backroom, it was in terrible condition.
I am no longer able to clean the way I once could; my back hurts more often than not.
After my outburst, Badger went in and cleaned the mess herself.

Do I regret it? Not particularly.
At this point, she should understand that my physical abilities are limited.
I suspect she and Cowboy assume I am simply being lazy.
If they ever experience the sharp, electric pain of a rubber band snapping through their back, they will understand my reality.
I have been living with back pain since 1990.
While stacking boards onto pallets as they came off the saw, I injured myself, though I am still unsure exactly how. 
The pain was immediate and severe.
I consulted a company doctor, but the experience was frustrating, and I chose to walk out.
Since then, I have never pursued treatment. I simply manage the pain on my own.

Badger cleaned up the cat mess, went to clean up, and went on back to her room.
 It’s one of those weeks for her.
I need to remember to call the doctor tomorrow and get her an appointment. 
We can’t keep putting it off. 
We can’t keep running to the ER.

Cowboy came home from church, took a brief nap, and then he and I went down to Food City to get sick‑week supplies for Badger.
We came home, Cowboy took care of his chickens, and got another nap before evening service.
After evening service, it was the same old same. 
TV. Naps. Nothing.
I expect that the rest of the week will be the same.