The Quiet Weight of Things Left Behind

Life goes on.
If there’s anything I’ve learned in life, it’s that life doesn’t stop for grieving.
It moves on.
It doesn’t matter how badly your heart may be breaking, life won’t stop for you.

There’s been so much loss both human and animal in my life.
Some days it feels as if the weight of the world is sitting on me, like I'm drowning.

And no one even notices.

The sun keeps rising, and setting.
The dishes still pile in the sink. 
The cats still need feeding.
People still need to be taken care of.
The calendar keeps turning, time keeps moving.

That's the part you're not prepared for.
Everything ordinary keeps happening, yet you're still mired deep in grief.

Time won't stop so you can grieve.
Time keeps moving on.

You wake up, you try to get on with your life.
You box up your grief, set it on a shelf.
And you move on.

But a part of you never moves on.

A part of you still grieves.

Still, the sun came up again this morning.
Like it always does.

We headed to town to get our groceries like we always do, except today is Friday, not Thursday.
We were home at 11:15 a.m. which is rather unusual, but we didn’t need groceries this week.
We go to the store on Thursday because Cowboy is in the habit of it.
Realistically though, we could go every other week.

We came home, got the groceries put away, and settled down for lunch.
Badger and I went in my room to watch an episode of “The X-Files.”
At some point, Cowboy sneaked out and put up my new garden flag.
The flag I got at the thrift store was just too long, so I found one meant for a shepherd’s hook garden flag stand, not one you hang on the house.
Walmart didn’t have a lot of choices. 
I ended up with a gnome flag.
Badger vetoed any flag that said “welcome” on it.
She said that’s how you invite vampires in.

They called and said Smudge is ready for pickup. 
That’s quick.
It took a lot longer with Mayhem.
They’re closed tomorrow, but Badger goes to the doctor Monday, and we’ll stop in then.
I’m going to have to move the cats’ ashes to my bedroom. 
I’m out of room on my bookcase in the living room.
I’m not, however, moving my uncle. 
He stays in the living room. 
I just, you know, it’s creepy enough having cats’ ashes.
I don’t think I can tolerate a human’s ashes in my bedroom.

Hippie Aunt wouldn’t take Uncle home with her. 
She said that you don’t know what body part you’re getting.
The woman worked in a funeral home, so that’s not particularly what you want to hear.
She does, however, have her son-in-law’s ashes in her underwear drawer at home.
And she brought home (hopefully unused) urns to use as piggy banks.
I have a freaky family.

Time for Cowboy to go to work came around, like always.
Badger had headed to her room, and she stayed there until we walked down to the creek church after 6 p.m.
Getting out of the house helped me get away from the guilt of not knowing that poor cat was in pain, not just hiding because we’d locked her up all weekend.
We’re horrible pet owners. 
I’ll be honest.
We’re not as observant as we should be.
Badger lives in an autism bubble, and I live in ADHD fog.
Getting out of the house helped my black mood quite a bit.

It was close to 8 p.m. when we came home.
We could have stayed a lot longer. 
The temperature was nice, it was quiet, there were two teens on the playground, but they weren’t that noisy.
It felt good to be out of the house.
But it’s not good to be walking after dark. 
Normally I’d say this is the safest town to walk in at night.
Times have changed though, and we’ve gotten so many new people moving in.
I can’t say that the pathway is dark and dangerous anymore. 
That used to be a huge concern.
With them chopping everything down, it should be pretty bright on the pathway now, and you can see from one end to the other.
You used to not be able to.
Still, I don’t like coming home to an empty house in the dark.

 I was going through the cameras. 
Today was the day to charge batteries.
I was making sure I had them up and angled correctly.
Bigfoot Camera had this strange bobbing bird.
Hopefully I can get the video up here, and maybe one of you can tell me what the living heck was in my backyard.
We can’t figure it out. 
I’m halfway tempted to say a darn goose got lost.
Badger and I went outside and looked around the backyard, but there isn’t anything out there.

The rest of the evening we just watched TV.

It’s been a long day, and I’m heading to bed.
Barring unforeseen circumstances, tomorrow is a stay-at-home day.
Cowboy wants to work on Raven’s car and get it running.
Raven doesn’t need to have to be totally dependent on his former partner. 
He needs the car to give him some freedom.