Tuesday, April 1, 2025

๐ŸŒ™ Nighttime peace, just me and my thoughts⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

I have nothing.
I feel at a loss right now.
Badger is 23, and she’s autistic.

She has reached that stage of life where she doesn’t want to be here, but she doesn’t know how to leave.
Frankly, I don’t know what to do with her or for her.

At her age, she should be out with friends, having fun, and figuring life out.
I just don’t know how to make that happen for her.

Sometimes I wonder if we did the right thing by homeschooling.
We pulled her out of high school when they refused to give her a 504 or an IEP.
If she’d stayed, maybe she would have had friends.

I keep trying to give her space, to not hover or smother.
But somehow, it never feels like I’m doing enough.

These days, with her spending most of her time in her room, I find myself on my own.
And that’s okay. 
She isn’t my friend, and she doesn’t owe me her company.
I miss the evenings when we watched TV together, but that’s fine.

Sometimes, if I’m lucky, Heron or Raven will sit in the living room watching TV.
It makes the evening feel a little less lonely.
Most nights I read instead, and I’m back to finishing two books a day.
Life here isn’t exactly exciting.

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