I took the scenic route... mostly by accident

Today was a hair-raising adventure.

I found out neither Cowboy nor Badger does very well when things go wrong.

Heron headed to his girlfriend's house until sometime next week.
That's an important thing to remember for later.

Cowboy, Badger and I headed to Morristown to find the Social Security office.
Surprisingly super easy to find.
We didn't have an appointment, but when I said I had a check to return, that became no problem.
The super nice security guard got us checked in and sent Cowboy back to the car to dump his pocket knife and cell phone.
It didn't take that long at all.

From there we went to get the oil changed, and that didn't take long either.
So far so good, right?

The air conditioner in the car broke.
It was hot today, and Badger started not feeling well.
She told me today was my day to cook, so I told Cowboy, well, it looks like today is going to be a salmon day.
I love salmon, he hates salmon.

Next thing I know I'm Googling trying to find a Cracker Barrel.
Cowboy said, well, we'll keep this PG-rated and won't say what Cowboy had to say about my salmon.

Finding Cracker Barrel wasn't so easy but eventually we stumbled upon it.
Service was pretty fast there also but it was the first time I've been disappointed in my meal.
The potatoes were like glue and tasteless, and my meatloaf was absolutely flavorless.
They also didn't bring us any bread and didn't refill our tea.
I give them a little bit of leeway as it was dinner time and packed, but the two tables beside us had their waitress bring them bread and keep their glasses refilled.
It was tempting not to tip, but I'm not that rude.
She sure didn't get a good tip, though.

From there, well, the day went to hell in a handbasket.

Cowboy thought he was heading to Dandridge.
There was a very long bridge, a couple of them actually.
A lot of water, a lot of water.
One of my quirks is I don't like driving over bridges and lakes and rivers and water.
And there were way too many for my taste.

Then came freaking mountains, with twisty curves, and Badger and I started getting a sinking feeling that Cowboy was lost.
He muttered something about there used to be a farm, and currently there was a lake, so yeah, we definitely started feeling like we were lost.

Next thing we know we see "Welcome to Newport."
Newport, where Heron and his girlfriend live.
Newport, 43 minutes and 34 miles from home.
Not Dandridge.

Well, Newport is really pretty.
I've never been before.

But we started driving, and Badger got a map up.
She tried to tell Cowboy how to get home.
And Cowboy got loud and snappy and hateful, and refused to listen.

Next thing we know there's a sign saying North Carolina with very few miles to get to it.
Holy moley!

I sent texts to Heron, who is somewhere in Newport, but there's no cell service.
The map stopped working.
Here we are, mountains and water and twisty curves and just lost.

Finally, Badger's map starts pulling up and we get to a less mountainous area, and Heron calls.
But Heron can't help us because he doesn't know where we are, and we don't know where we are.
Cowboy is being loud and hateful, Badger is stressed out and getting loud and hateful.
I finally just hung up, and we eventually found our way back to Newport.

Badger and I both told Cowboy to just shut the duck up and let us tell him how to get back to the interstate.
Just chill his tits out, calm down, shut up and listen.

He got mad and sulled up, but that was the best thing ever to happen because Badger could give him directions without him snapping that he thought this way was better or that way, which by the way was taking us to North Carolina.
Now I have no problem going to North Carolina, but Cowboy did have to go to work tonight.

Eventually we came out in Dandridge, the backside of Dandridge, but still Dandridge.
And we finally got home.
We'd been in the car since 11 a.m., give or take, the Social Security office and dinner.
It was 4 p.m. when we pulled in the driveway.

If we all hadn't been so stressed out, if I hadn't been petrified that Cowboy would go off into one of those lakes or rivers or whatever that water was.
If I hadn't been terrified he'd drive off a mountain because he can't see, can't stay in his lane, and drives off the edge of the road all the time.
We would have had an amazing sightseeing day.
It was beautiful up there, I mean, I don't ever want to see it again, but it's beautiful.
Now I see why Heron and his girlfriend have decided to move there.

In all honesty, though, I didn't think we'd ever see home again.
I thought at some point we'd run out of gas, there were no houses and no traffic and no cell service, so we'd just sit until we turned into mummies.

This area is also where the hurricane hit some time back, so there were still roads closed off, and we're just lucky Cowboy didn't try to go through one of those.
There was a point where we came up on a few blocked-off roads, and Cowboy flat out refuses to listen, or he'll tell you he can't hear you when you're practically screaming at him.

But yeah, we had an adventure.

It wasn't long before Cowboy had to go to work, and Badger and I sat around and watched TV.
She ended up with a headache, and I ended up carsick, a bit.

As I told Badger, now you see why we don't go on trips.
Cowboy has never been able to handle driving out of his small comfort zone.
And he's too damn stubborn to shut up and listen when a person has a map.